Recalibration

It's not ideal, but it's okay. It's what I've been saying to everyone about the fact that my husband and I live in different countries. It's not ideal, but it's okay. It's not ideal that I get to talk to him once a day, but it's okay. It's not ideal that to make that work I call him at 7am, at the same time as I'm trying to get ready for work, and he has to take time out of the middle of his day to talk with me, but it's okay. It's not ideal that I can't even get a hug at the end of the day, but it's okay.

Actually, that last one isn't okay.

H1 and I are currently doing this for the good of our future selves, and I remind myself of that constantly. I also make jokes about it often, and I push myself to keep busy, and I try as hard as I can to do sweet things for him even though I'm not there, and I enjoy the sweet things he does for me even though he's not here.

It's still not easy.

Funnily enough, it's getting harder as well. In October we met up in Napa (it's halfway! Kinda*!) and up until then it was fine, and while we were in Napa it was incrediblyfreakingfantastic, and now it's really, really rough. For both of us. This is a whine** on both our parts.

Hanging in Napa...totally worth having to say goodbye again.

Hanging in Napa...totally worth having to say goodbye again.

Thing is, though, I don't regret coming home. Not at all. You'd think that if it was that bad I would just wish I'd stayed in New York, but thinking about what our life would be like now if I'd done that makes me hyperventilate. It wasn't good for me there, and I wasn't good in New York – not by the end, anyway. H1 noticed it while we were away, telling me that already I was noticeably more relaxed and also funnier*** (presumably the latter is strongly correlated with the former). I have a good life here. It's just that at the moment, I don't get to share it with my best friend.

Some of the good life I want to share.

Some of the good life I want to share.

So that's where I am right now. I am okay, even though I'm in a less-than-ideal situation. I'm ready to get over the fact that I'm less creative without H1 around, and keep blogging anyway. And I'm glad (and terrified) that I'm finally letting myself stop putting a brave face on all the time.

*Nothing's really halfway – there's a lot of empty ocean in between NZ and the USA.

**And I'm sorry that it is such a whine. It wasn't meant to be quite so much, but this is what's coming out.

***I'm a bit thinner too, which doesn't really matter but I'll take it.